Day 114: Making Peace with Your Past
A Conversation with Your Past Self (Yes, Literally)
Let’s do something a little unconventional today.
Imagine walking into a diner that exists outside of time. The floors are checkered, the booths are vinyl, the jukebox is stuck on the same sad love song, but no one minds. You slide into a booth and sitting across from you is... you. Not today-you. A past version of yourself. Maybe the you from five years ago. Maybe ten. Or maybe the you who stood alone in the hallway clutching regret like a jacket two sizes too big.
Now breathe. Don’t panic. They look at you like they’ve been waiting. Because they have.
This is your invitation to make peace.
A New Equation: Peace as Integration Over Time
Let’s shift metaphors. Your past is not a single moment or an isolated mistake. It’s a series of emotional data points; joys, losses, regrets, triumphs spread across time. When we carry regret, we often fixate on one spike in the chart: one sharp pain that overshadows everything else.
But what if healing isn't about erasing that moment, but about integrating it into the larger picture?
The Integral of You
In calculus, an integral sums up all the tiny slices of a function over time. Every moment, no matter how small, contributes to the total area under the curve. It’s not about perfection in a single place; it’s about the accumulation of meaning across your timeline.
Let’s represent this idea more clearly:
Wholeness = ∫ from t₀ to tₙ of E(t) dt
Where:
E(t) represents your emotional experience at any given moment
t₀ is your earliest memory
tₙ is today
This integral sums your life’s emotional landscape. Every joy, regret, lesson, and turning point is one small slice. No single spike or drop defines the total area. What matters is the accumulated meaning over time.
So imagine this:
Your early joy is a rise on the curve.
Your first heartbreak dips sharply.
The mistakes you regret might appear as jagged points.
But your resilience creates new rising slopes.
And all of it… all of it… adds up to something significant: something whole, something worthy.
Peace with the past comes when we stop obsessing over the sharp points and begin appreciating the full shape. You are not one event. You are the integral of every moment that’s brought you here.
Diner Dialogue: Reframed
Now return to that booth. The version of you sitting across the table, awkward, scared, maybe a little defensive, was a single moment. But not the only one. Look at them again and ask:
What were the circumstances?
What part of me was trying to protect something?
What if this moment was just one term in a much bigger equation?
And then, as if signing off on a calculation, say: “I forgive you. Thank you for being part of the total sum.”
Today, Ask Yourself:
What moments from my past have I been treating as permanent judgments?
Can I view them instead as contributions; small, complex, but essential to who I’ve become?
What would it feel like to honor the full arc, rather than obsess over one data point?
You don’t have to solve your past; you only need to include it.
Just like an integral finds value in every slice of time, so too can you find peace in the totality of your experience.
If this reflection speaks to you, share it with someone searching for their own shape of wholeness. And visit Lucivara.com daily for more reflections on renewal.
